


.red herring

by JabberwockPrince



Category: Red Shoes and the 7 Dwarfs (2019)
Genre: M/M, Other, youll get tags when i figure out whats going on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-20 09:41:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30002937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JabberwockPrince/pseuds/JabberwockPrince
Summary: [RED HERRING]noun /ˌred ˈher.ɪŋ/"A fact, idea, or subject that takes people's attention away from the central point being considered."------------------------------Fairytales are meant to be kept simple, its characters set in stone - there must be a beginning, a problem, a climax and a happy ending. There needs to be a humble hero, a prince with good intentions. A catalyst, someone or something to blame. It needs a goal, a prize, a damsel in distress to romance. Whether cautionary or uplifting, these stories must be simple, easy to grasp. Theatre for children and adults alike.And if you can't play your part til the bitter end, then you don't deserve a moment in the spotlight.
Relationships: Prince Average/Original Character
Kudos: 3





	.red herring

**Author's Note:**

> POV you're supposed to be the bad guy of the story but you're horrible at being bad and even worse at being good, so where does that leave you ? right in the middle of an overly complex plot to figure out what kind of ending you want for your own story. now with cool playlists like "roxanne richie from megamind was a lesbian" and "maybe im regretting writing this at 3 am" ! 
> 
> set some time after the movie ending but I refuse to think about the logistics of it rn
> 
> this is literally just my excuse to write some character development and some shameless shipping for these losers but my OC isnt even gonna show up for like, 20 chapters, why do I do this to myself

"And you're _sure_ that this Merlin guy can help me? He looks like a tool." 

The poster was tossed aside, a feeble attempt at pretending that he did not care in the slightest, that he wasn't even _aware_ of who the 'Fantastic Seven' were, despite witnessing plenty of townspeople ( _and a few of his own servants as well_ ) fall head over heels for them on the daily. Because feigning ignorance and belitting others were the only ways the prince knew to keep his fragile ego safe - it was the Average way.

Pronounced _Ah-voo-rage_ , of course, he was anything but average.

"What's with that smirk ? Ugh, he's bad news. I can tell. But not the good kind of bad, like me ! The _bad_ bad kind. You know, like the sea witch or that awful old crone that got me into this mess. Or the one who made me look like _this_ !"

To emphasize his words, Prince Average stood and hopped onto his desk, just not as smoothly as before. His mind was still having a hard time adjusting to this new form. Small, chubby and green. This was the second curse of the month and while being a dwarf was way better than roaming the Enchanted Forest as a mindless piece of hulking wood, he had enough shapeshifting adventures for the rest of the year.

"Like I get it, girl. You're ugly and you want everyone else to be just as hideous so you'll feel better with yourself, blah, blah. Typical witch things. But at least she could've dressed properly - ! What kind of witch goes cursing others in a sundress?! That is SO misleading." With a scoff, the dwarf prince returned to his seat and sank into the cushions, arms crossed with indignation.

"Us villains have standards, you know ? There's a code. I think.Yeah, pretty sure there is a guideline somewhere." 

The knights that were supposed to serve him merely glanced at each other, shrugging and looking away, unsure on how to react or even reply. Prince Average was known for his long winded monologues and useless commentary. Every knight under his command knew better than to pay attention, important orders were usually given through screaming and even louder whining. An awkward silence settled in the grand office, now a little too grand without the usually boisterious prince and the duo of bodyguards, the absolute units that followed him everywhere. Boy, did they miss those two. 

"Well?!" 

Prince Average's voice cracked and it surprised him just as much as it did the knights, who couldn't help but snort and giggle under their helmets. To prevent a royal scolding, one of them stepped forward, deciding to continue the conversation. 

"We are certain that prince - Uh. _King_ Merlin can help you break the curse, sir. " A pause. The background laughter eventually died out and all they could hear now was Prince Average sighing to himself. "According to local gossip, he's gathered a group of adventurers to help him while the search for the original F7 continues. It's worth the try."

"Way better than those dumb potions you've been buying, sir." Another knight added, lazily pointing to a nearby table where a bunch of shiny concoctions and empty glass bottles were laid out, unnatended. Some of the liquid had mixed together on the floor, the puddle now emiting a colorful and ominous faint smoke. "No offense."

"None taken. If _else_ , I shouldn't have trusted those second rate wizards down by the Red Market. _Ugh_ , get someone to clean that up, though. I don't want that mess staining the carpet."

The prince shuddered, thinking back to his little trip to the underground market, a shady den for villains and heroes alike to mingle and acquire magical trinkets, away from the public's eyes. But he shook his head, focusing on the task at hand. That story in particular could wait. 

"We should also label the remaining potions at some point, sir. One of them turned Jerry into a frog yesterday and we haven't been able to turn him back to normal."

Now _that_ finally brightened Prince Average's day. Sure, if he hadn't ordered his knights to taste the potions first, he would've been the one croaking and eating flies - but that wasn't the case, so he could freely laugh at the guard's misfortune. 

"Snrk! Just ask the nearest princess to kiss him, I'm sure that'll work or something. Now, where can I find King Merlin?"   
  
  


* * *

  
  


"RISKY _FRICKIN_ ' ROCK?"

Prince Average's screech was enough to disorient the knight who was carrying him on their shoulders. Perhaps enough to cause some permanent damage to their eardrums as well. They stumbled around, avoiding the rest of the entourage and doing their best to keep the prince safe and sound. Though their efforts were in vain, Prince Average merely made his way back on the ground, climbing down their armour with little to no concern even after the knight fell flat onto the grass.

But there was no time to be polite or nice! Not when his so called saviour was most likely friends with those annoying dwarves up in Risky Rock. Shouldn't kings mingle with nobles? Why choose a bunch of troublesome nobodies ? Hell, the snobby knights from Camelot would do! Why _dwarves_ out of all living creatures?!

"Oh man, are you okay, Leith?" 

“He’s not responding. Poke him again.”

"Uh. . . Sir? What should we do with -"

"Not now, I'm about to start _brooding_! Figure it out on your own." With a dismissive gesture, Prince Average walked away from the group and their useless chit chat. Leith would live. 

From his spot, Prince Average could see the spiral rock at a better angle, but it was different from last time. The massive castle façade that decimated his troops not too long ago had been replaced by an actual building. Two floors, wooden, quaint and rather homely. It was downright _horrendous_. They didn't even bother covering up their base of operations with a bigger, shinier and fancier façade! 

The prince narrowed his eyes in contempt, fighting back a grimace at the dwarves' lack of aesthetic. They were being sponsored by a king and they couldn't even aim for marble walls. What a waste.

If he had connections with royalty again, he would -!

. . . Actually, he wouldn't even be in this mess in the first place. Or at the very least, he wouldn't need to ask a bunch of freaks for help.

Prince Average's popularity - or lack thereof - was a touchy subject, everyone knew that. It was something his knights loved to poke fun at on the daily. The question would pop up once in a while : how could someone become so utterly unpopular?

It made his blood boil every single time. But apart from screaming and ordering his so called lackeys to get back to work, there was little he could do about it.

Prince Average had been at the verge of losing his credibility as a villain for years. He had no connections to royalty nor any respectable evil figures in Fairytale Island, no one to lend him a hand in times of need anymore. It was also common knowledge that a villain's career was over the second their minions lost all that fear and respect for them. He never even had that in the first place, his entire army was bound by a salary, not loyalty. Losing his charming looks was the last straw. 

So why, then? Why did these dwarves got to climb the social ladder so easily? Was it possible for creatures like that to have fairy godmothers? Well, why couldn’t he have one too? 

He let out a huff and turned to his men. That was enough brooding for the day.

"Done taking a break, guards? Good, let's move. The sooner I get this over with, the better."

This time, the prince decided to walk on his own, head raised high. His body might’ve felt alien and clumsy, but no one was better at faking confidence like Prince Average.

Sensing the sudden change in atmosphere, the guards went into formation right behind their prince, the metal of their weapons and armour clinking in unison as they climbed Risky Rock. It felt like they were getting ready for war, even if they had to take comically shorter and slower steps to match Prince Average’s speed. 

When they reached the top, Prince Average had his trusty megaphone ready and the situation played out just like the first time he had been here.

With him being ignored.

“One, two, one, two, testing . . . Ah! It works, great!” He cleared his throat while the guard from before, Leith, covered their ears again - too close for comfort to the megaphone. “I’m here to request an audience with Prince Merlin. Or king. He was a king, right? A little birdie told me so out with it, dwarves. See? I said dwarves with a ‘v’ this time. Totally not offensive.”

He was met with silence, but it wasn’t hard to spot the curtains shifting ever so slightly. The hardest part was being nice enough to get them to come out of hiding.

“I know you’re all in there. I didn’t bring any cannons with me this time, promise. It’s just me and the boys! Come on, I just want to talk business with Merlin.” A pause. Then, more silence. “ _Fine_ , his majesty King Merlin. Happy now?”

The door finally opened and a maiden stepped out, but she was far from the beauty that was Red Shoes - she was short and chubby, arms crossed over her chest with a frown across her face. Prince Average didn’t recognize her, but judging by the groans and muttering behind him, his men sure did. 

“You must be a servant or something, right? Can you tell his royal majesty that Prince Average is here to see him? Thank you, darling.”

The woman didn’t move, but her expression changed. 

“Don't call me darl- . . .Wait. Did you say . . . Prince Average?” 

“No way! It’s seriously him!” More voices could be heard from inside the house, along with hurried footsteps. Prince Average felt the incoming mockery from miles away as the dwarves crowded around the entrance. 

“He’s a dwarf now! Hah, serves him right!”

Yeah, there it was.

“I say he looks better than before.” 

Yup. It just kept coming. 

“Finally got off your high horse, eh? Get it? Because he can’t ride a - Okay, I’ll shut up now.”

Prince Average took a deep breath, trying to keep calm and ignore the comments thrown his way. But the red tint of the tip of his ears and the way he puffed his cheeks in anger betrayed him. 

“ALRIGHT, _ENOUGH_!” 

The megaphone made his scream ten times worse with that ringing sound. Everyone - Prince Average included - had no option but to cower and wait for the hellish noise to pass. And before they could recover, another human joined the group, one hand by his ear and the other now holding the maiden’s. Prince Average recognized this one, his face was plastered all over Golden Goose and other villages - both the missing and found posters. But the “ _I just woke up and got out of bed_ ” look was definitely new.

“King Merlin! Listen, I came here to-”

“Is that Prince Average? As a _dwarf_!?” 

A tired sigh escaped Prince Average as he pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Yes, yes. We all got the memo. I got cursed by some ugly wicked witch, blah blah. Now. Before someone else decides to interrupt me, listen to me. I want to hire you. For realsies. You and the _discount_ Fantastic Seven.”

It was obvious that King Merlin wasn’t conscious enough to handle the situation, as he kept yawning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Great. Suddenly, Prince Average felt a small tinge of pity for Merlin’s subjects. The woman cleared her throat and spoke, all while ushering the sleepy king back inside. 

“How about we all calm down and talk inside? No megaphones and no soldiers.” She nodded towards the guards, who all seemed to shrink in her presence. Then at the dwarves that surrounded her. “And no more insults, okay? Let’s hear him out.”

“Oh my gosh, _thank_ youuuu. Someone with common sense!” He snapped his fingers and two knights stepped forward. "Hope you don't mind me taking at least two of these dimwits with me. Security and all."

“That's quite alright. If you turn out to be a problem, we’ll just throw you and your friends off Risky Rock. Easy.” 

Prince Average paled at those words. Maybe he should’ve been nicer to the maid.

* * *

When he woke up that morning, Prince Average expected the usual schedule - strolling around his massive castle, trying to make the best out of his situation by sending his men to deadly quests and errand runs for a cure to his curse. Eat a lot of ice cream while crying, go to sleep and then repeat. 

But there he was, sitting on a couch - almost everything was small inside their base, dwarf sized - wedged between two of his guards while they stuffed their mouths with pastries and tea.

Sitting right across them were none other than ; King Merlin, downing his second cup of coffee and looking more lively than before ; the woman with an unreadable expression, eyeing him carefully and one of the dwarves, this one had curly and bright red hair. Unlike the painfully british brute and the incredibly condescending blond, this one seemed perfectly fine serving food. Speaking of the british dwarf, he kept pacing around the room in circles, holding a sword rather menacingly. He probably would've succeeded in intimidating them if the sword wasn't an absolute joke. So rusty, with rocks incrusted into it. What kind of weapon was that?

"Aw, these are so good! Sir, try some!"

"But let us eat a bit more, just so we can make sure it's not poisoned!" 

"I'll pass." The prince groaned, swatting away the hands of the knights.

"Your loss then! These are to die for!" The red haired dwarf added with a smile and Prince Average decided that he hated his german accent. And his cooking. And his clothes and sense of humor. Upon hearing that comment, the two knights slowed down, one of them returning a muffin onto the plate. "Oh, for God's sake. It was a _joke_. It's not poisoned." 

"I'm still not eating any of those. Can we get to the part where I explain my tragic situation and you all agree to help me ?" 

A snort could be heard coming from his right. The blond dwarf with the pointy nose approached, gingerly holding a cup of tea as made himself comfortable on one of the armchairs. 

"I think we can tell what your tragic situation is about, monsieur Ennuyeux." 

" _HEY_." Prince Average sprang from his seat - those french lessons from his childhood years were finally useful. Before he could do anything, his own guards held him back in place, most likely because they wanted to empty the tray before they kicked them out. 

"How about we start with some introductions? That might help break the ice." The woman insisted, once more giving the rest of her coworkers a warning glare. They looked away.

"Fine, whatevs. But you go first. Who are _you_ supposed to be?" 

" _Queen_ Snow White. But you can just call me Snow."

The two knights choked, desperately reaching for their drinks. On the other hand, Prince Average gulped audibly.

Right, of course, it was just his luck to call the queen of the White Kingdom a "servant". He noticed the subtle playful tone in her voice and the way the corners of her lips quivered upwards, and he instantly knew that she was loving every second of this. All he could do now was sink deeper into the couch, wishing the ground would swallow him whole out of embarrassment. 

"Don't worry, I won't send you to the dungeons for one tiny mistake. But you should teach your _guards_ some manners."

"Wouldn't want them to get zapped again, would we?" Merlin added in, sparks of electricity flickering between his fingers. They died out the second Snow elbowed him. "Ow!"

Without missing a beat, Snow began introducing the rest - Arthur, Jack, Hans, Pino, Noki and finally, Kio. Though the last three were nowhere to be seen, Prince Average remembered their crafty killer robot. That had to be the most interesting thing out of this group of misfits who -

"No way, you're all named just like the F7! That's too funny, right sir?"

"Ohhh, maybe they're like codenames."

As the knights discussed their theories, Prince Average tapped on his chin, deep in thought. The so called adventurers were starting to look familiar now. And they were also starting to look rather nervous as well. Slowly, the prince went over everyone present in the room, counting under his breath. 

"One, two, three. . . Then the weird triplets, that makes six. . ." A knowing smile made its way to his face as he locked eyes with Merlin. "Missing a member, I see." 

"Huh?" 

"I may be an idiot but I'm not blind, _King Merlin_. Or should I say - ! Wait, no, hold on, scratch that. I'm not an idiot either. Just so we're clear. I'm very smart."

"Right." Snow deadpanned. 

"Where are you going with this, exactly?" 

" _You_ are the little annoying dwarf that's missing! _Was_ missing, since you're back to normal and - Ugh. You get the idea! You had the same curse as me." 

Everyone in the room was shocked at the revelation, the prince had to move from his spot as one of his guards - most likely Leith, always faint of the heart - had collapsed from the sudden accusation while the other held them in place, fanning their helmet. Yikes, no wonder everyone thought of him as a dramatic prince with guards like these. 

"Pffft, non non non! You see, our friend - the dwarf, not King Merlin, of course - had to run some errands in Golden Goose!" 

"Yeah, we ran out ooooof . . .Flour, carrots and eggs!" 

"You can't fool me! He's even wearing the same clothes!" The prince countered, a little too proud with himself.

"We're just big fans of the F7. I mean, have you _seen_ Prince Arthur? Now that is a very good example of a hero. Not that I know him in person, of course." 

Unwilling to continue arguing with these three dwarves, Prince Average turned to the two royals, arms crossed. 

"Well? What do you have to say for yourselves?"

The couple looked at each other and gave a shrug. 

"We. . . Kind of thought you out of all people would know." Snow was the first one to reply, biting her lip. "I mean . . ." 

"You saw me transform." Merlin rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how to further explain, as if everything should've been crystal clear for the pompous prince. 

Another loud gasp was heard, this time from the remaining knight who now laid unconscious atop Leith, both safely nested on the couch. Great. So much for bodyguards. But their reaction was understandable this time - even Prince Average was left speechless at this _other_ big reveal. 

"I . . . What?" 

"You and those two big guys, Tweedledum and Tweedledee! While Snow and I were lost, you came out of nowhere and attacked us."

"First of all, that's not how they're called. Second of all, I did !?"

"They did?" Hans asked at the same time, concern dripping from his voice. Arthur whistled right behind him. It seemed like Prince Average wasn't the only one confused about this situation. "How come you never told us?" 

"It wasn't that big of a deal, I kicked their asses pretty easily." 

"Merlin, they threw boulders at us and you _almost_ drowned."

"WHAT?!" 

"Hans, come on! Snow saved me, now we're engaged and happy, let's move on!" Merlin coughed into his fist, signaling the end of that conversation. Hans seemed unsatisfied with that decision, but obliged and kept quiet. Too quiet. " _Ahem_. Is any of this ringing any bells, Average? Sorry we had to ruin your little moment, but yeah." 

Sure, the memories of him crawling and stomping around the forest were there - along with the painful transformation, the direct order from the wicked old witch and the existential crisis of losing control over his own body. _That_ he could never forget. 

The rest was nothing but a blurry mess. 

Of course, there was no way Prince Average could fess up like that. It would make him seem foolish and insecure. And dwelling on it would make him feel even worse - so for now, he had to gloss over it entirely.

"Right! Yes, _now_ I remember. All the throwing and the fighting . . . and the screaming! Yes, it's all coming back to me now." He turned around, hiding his face from them. "I uh, I promise that won't happen again. God, I hope it doesn't happen again, I'm sick of curses."

"Great! Just to be _entirely_ clear, you do know that I was Red Shoes, right? I feel a bit dumb having to ask, since it was so obvious, but-" 

"I'm sorry, you WHAT!?" 


End file.
